Oh, Little One. You are the one that made me a mommy. Before I had you, I didn’t know what love could really feel like. The deep, earnest everlasting love took me by surprise.
The moment I heard that first cry, a sob arose in my throat and I stared adoringly into your fresh new face. As the nurses went about their duties and the doctor pushed on my belly, I was oblivious and uncaring of the noises around me. I was caught up in your adorable smile, teeny nose, and fuzzy eyes trying to look at me.
I remember my mom next to me saying, “He’s beautiful. He’s beautiful.” Over and over again, and I remember the smile on your dad’s face – so proud and happy to meet you.
As this Valentine’s day approaches, I think about how much you have grown in the past four years. How we have experienced so many things together.
From your first steps and first words to your first day of pre-school, I have loved experiencing every moment with you. We have learned so much together you and I. Mostly me. I’ve learned a lot about motherhood and grace and what’s truly important in life.
I love that you throw and kick every ball with your left foot. I love how excited you get when you learn something new. I love how you run and squeeze me when I come in the door. Buddy, I love what a handsome and caring boy you have become. I love your passion for sports and your passion for the monkey bars. I love how you ask me over and over again, “Mommy, how do you say that in Spanish?” I love how you love your sister. How you care for her and help her.
Some days I feel tired. Oh, so very tired. All I want to do it rest on the couch and close my eyes. To experience quietness and peace. I inwardly just want to rest and not to have to give, give, give. But then, I see your smiling face and your excitement rejuvenates me. I think to myself, “Can you stay this little forever?”
Those days when we are coaxing you to try a new food or we are cleaning up spilt milk for the fifth time that day, it’s hard sometimes. It’s hard to look at the good and be grateful in the moment. I sometimes wish you could grow so you could just do it all for yourself. Wouldn’t it be nice if you didn’t need me so much? I think it, but I don’t really mean it.
I wanted to say thank you for making me a mama. Thank you for loving me so fully and forgiving me when I mess up. When I yell at you or accuse you of things you didn’t do. When I punish you instead of giving you grace. Thank you for loving me anyway.
I know that the next few years will continue to fly by as your baby brother arrives in a few months. Life will only get busier, and I will not have the same slow moments I had with you when you were a newborn. I will feed him and then take you to T-ball practice. I will put him down for a nap and do some pre-school with your sister. My eyes won’t be only focused on you, as they were the first few years of your life.
I know change is coming. But you are no stranger to change. From many different day cares in your young life, to a travelling dad and a working mom, to a move across country, you are oh so flexible and resilient. But I know, with the arrival of your littlest brother our family will change again and you will adapt.
You will become the oldest of three. You will enter kindergarten, and we will begin an entirely new stage of life with a new dynamic to our life and family. I hope and pray that you will become the leader you need to be and set the example you should. But at the same time, I hope there isn’t too much pressure to grow up.
I know as the oldest (because I was the oldest too) that there is a need to do things right. You are older and more responsible and you know the rules. And yes, we will probably hold you to high expectations. But I hope that you will be okay with making mistakes. That you will still laugh and play and have a goofy personality. I hope that you will still be my sweet first baby and feel just as loved as you always have.
My time will be divided but somehow my heart will only grow bigger with the birth of your brother. Sometimes I wonder how God can love each of us so individualistically and fully. How is his heart so big? That’s how I feel when I love your dad and you kids. My heart could explode with love and all the feels.
I hope I remember these small details when the young years have passed. I hope I remember the cuddles in the morning on the couch and the way you wrap your arms around me. I hope I remember the feeling when you made me a mom.
I love you, buddy.
//Newborn pictures by the lovely Taylor Wullschleger //